Exclusive news: Vilsack drops out

Tom Vilsack, the man with the number five in his name, has dropped out of the race for President of the United States of America 2008: American Idol Miami. Was it too much to ask for a faint glimmer of hope in a society that is increasingly beset at all sides by right-wing rhetoric and leftist propaganda? Yes. Yes it was.

Recently, Tom Vilsack visited the staff here at TransVerses publishing to foreshadow his impending withdrawal. During a brief lunch break at what was scheduled to be a 14-hour interview, Mr. Vilsack signed a black and white headshot of himself with black Sharpie marker and handed it to an eagerly awaiting young child crippled by Polio. She thanked him and retreated into the darkness. Any conversation we were to have had from that point on was to be off-mic, off the record. However, I did have my Style Transfer Protocol a.v.p.m. device switched in the 'on' position, and captured his next words to me. He said, "BigAlDente, let me leave you with this one: A bird has a left wing, and a right wing, but they're just for flapping. The bird brain is in the middle." With that, he took a brief sip from his tumbler, removed his facial disguise ever so slightly, just enough to see his real eyes that lay beneath. He managed a quick wink that I was lucky enough to catch before turning my head. I then found that I was no longer in TransVerses studios, and in fact, not in Florida at all. The protective shields rose around the city, and the island began its nightly retreat below the lapping, dark surface of the Pacific ocean.